Category: Recommendation
When we hear, “Mom, I need help!” or “Mom, I can’t do this,” our first instinct is to spring into action and save the day. But before we don our superhero capes to rescue our children from struggle, we need to ask ourselves what we’re accomplishing.
No one likes to struggle. Struggling is unpleasant and uncomfortable, but there is no growth without it.
When we “save” children from struggle, we prevent them from reaching their full potential.
It’s only through struggle that children learn to push past their comfort zone, develop persistence and problem-solving skills, and ultimately increase their capacity to reach goals and contribute to the world.
The temporary discomfort of struggling pays off with significant benefits. Here are seven key reasons why struggle is important for children.
Struggling is an essential component of growth. If we only engage in activities that come easily to us, we’re not stretching ourselves. And if we don’t stretch ourselves, we will never reach our full potential.
If a runner on a high school track team wants to become a distance runner, for instance, they wouldn’t stick to running one mile forever. They would push themselves to run longer and longer distances. At first, it would be tough. But persisting through the difficulty and discomfort would allow growth, making them a stronger runner. The same is true of other physical, academic, and social activities.
Research shows that novelty and challenge are necessary for neuroplasticity and enhancing cognitive function. With challenge comes struggle, and with struggle comes learning and growth.
In addition to growing your brain, struggle fuels character growth. Children develop inner strength, persistence, focus, and determination.
Teach children that asking for help is not “giving up.”
Instead, it’s another strategy that children can use to solve a tough problem or overcome a big obstacle. There are some tasks they’re not ready to do independently yet.
Consider implementing a rule, such as, “Try three times by yourself, then ask for help if you need it,” or, “Try three different strategies before asking for help.”
If your child asks you to help with something you believe they can do independently, ask guiding questions: “What’s the next small step you can take?” or, “Where do you think we could find that information?”
Ask yourself if you can support them in doing the task at least partly by themselves, or is there a skill they need to learn first that you can teach them?
Without struggle, children never encounter problems to work through. If everything is easy, they won’t practice the process of brainstorming, testing an idea, analyzing why an idea didn’t work and repeating it. Mastering this process is necessary for success in school, work, and life.
Even when a strategy doesn’t work, children realize that mistakes and failures are valuable lessons. The ability to learn from what doesn’t work — and reflect on why it didn’t work — will serve children well for a lifetime.
If we protect our children from struggle, we prevent them from developing the skills they need to succeed.
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Through struggle, children realize that their brains can grow, they can do hard things, and that mistakes are simply learning opportunities. As a result, they embrace struggle instead of fearing and avoiding it.
Instead of wanting to “look smart” or appear perfect, children learn that they can develop and grow their abilities through practice and effort. The process — and the struggle it involves — is even more valuable than the outcome.
Struggle teaches the value of hard work and dedication. Children develop the confidence to deal with the challenges that are a natural part of life.
A growth mindset also builds resilience and a love of learning, which are necessary for innovation and accomplishment.
We shouldn’t bury our feelings, and we shouldn’t use them as excuses to act out. Instead, we should accept feelings without judging them, and we should learn strategies like deep breathing, journaling, meditating, or drawing that help us work through difficult emotions. Struggle provides an opportunity to teach children these vital skills.
Self-regulation has a foundational role in physical, emotional, and social well-being, as well as educational achievement and economic health. It’s linked to better performance in school, better relationships, and fewer behavioral problems.
If your child or student becomes frustrated when struggling, walk them through taking some deep breaths. (It’s best to practice deep breathing when children are calm as well, so the skill becomes easily accessible during times of stress.)
Express empathy with phrases like, “You seem frustrated. This is hard, but you can handle it.”
If necessary, help the child find strategies that help them calm. Next time the child becomes frustrated, remind them of the strategies that help them manage frustration.
Some children also benefit from “calming cards,” or index cards that list strategies to use when they feel certain emotions (Eg. “When I feel frustrated, I can take three deep breaths” or “When I feel sad, I can look at a picture of my family”).
Some children fear failure and may internalize struggle. Talk to children about how failure is part of learning and succeeding. Openly discuss your own failures, and share stories of people who have overcome failure on the path to success. These conversations teach children that failure isn’t unique to them and shouldn’t negatively impact their self-image or self-esteem.
The struggle may not be fun, but it’s necessary for growth and the development of deeply important skills like problem-solving, persistence, and self-regulation. It also fosters confidence and a growth mindset. The benefits our children gain from struggling far outweigh the downsides.
So, instead of throwing on our superhero capes, It's about time we let our children wear their own!
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